|these first few desperate hours
||[Feb. 4th, 2012|12:34 am]
Just had a kind of intense experience with our Imbolc ritual, and wanted to write it down before I forget. |
So for Imbolc we were supposed to meditate on the new things in our lives that we need to nurture and support and love. Pretty much soon as the priestess started the induction, I became very sure that I was not in the right place to do the meditation that we were supposed to do. I left the circle to avoid messing up anyone else's energy, and went to a different room. This is roughly how my thought process went:
I don't feel like I'm ready to meditate on this.
What is it that I need instead?
I need to have a panic attack about it.
How can you WANT to have a panic attack?
A CONTROLLED panic attack.
Oh... wait, what?
What is it that a panic attack gives me? If you take away the horrible parts, what is the useful part?
It lets me take a good look at my fears and see what the worst-case scenarios are, and somehow, after feeling them destroy me, I eventually come out okay.
Okay... so what am I afraid of?
At this point coherence kind of broke down, as I let the fear in. I couldn't carry on the dialogue, so I just danced, following my intuition and letting some of the feelings out through my body, feeling the need to express myself and the need to keep it all locked inside, letting them coexist. After a few minutes I felt ready to go back into myself. I knelt on the floor, held out my quartz pendulum for a focus, and observed the feelings and impulses I was having.
I notice that when I think about this fear, or try to ask myself questions about it, I feel a strong urge to go into sub space or a longing to be with my Master. What's that about? Is it just escapism, trying to distract myself by thinking about something sexier?
I don't know. Why don't I just go with it and find out?
So I put myself into the position that my Master has me enter when I'm reporting or confessing to him, and imagined that he was there looking down on me.
So what would I tell my Master if he asked me about my fear?
Master, I'm afraid of failure. I have so much up in the air right now, so many chances for everything to work out for the best. I'm right on the edge of having all these things that I've always wanted and always screwed up or missed out on. And I'm terrified that if I fail now, it will mean that I can't do it, that I'll never be able to have what I want in my life.
And what would he say?
"Don't worry about failure. I don't give you challenges because I want a specific result, I give you challenges because I'm curious to see what you'll do with them."
What would it sound like if Deity said that to me? "I don't give you challenges because I want a specific result. I give you challenges because I'm curious to see what you'll do with them."
So however I handle a challenge, that's a valid response to it? God trusts me to come up with my own solution? I don't have a specific path plotted out for me, just a permission slip to make up my own as I go along, because my Master knows and God knows and I know that whatever I choose to do, I do with love and sincerity?
I knelt up, focused on my breathing and heartrate until I could hold my pendulum still, and returned to the circle, feeling a little shaky but so much clearer on everything. There's still so much uncertainty ahead of me -- for one thing, I have to take my state and national licensing exams for work next week -- but I feel like a huge weight has been taken off.