Now I'm Ready To Close My Eyes

INVISIBLE BANNER

Tue, 06 May 2008 04:19:31 GMT

OH HAI.

I am not so great at making banners, but since I recently mentioned the existence of this journal on other parts of the Interbahn, I notice that people are adding me and I'm not totally sure who they are. So, um, just imagine that there's a banner. It would probably have Michael C. Hall on it. And it would say

This journal is friends-only!

Please comment if you want to be added and give me some idea of how I know you. If you are from any of the forums or blogs I post on, I will probably not need a huge amount of memory-jogging, but I just want to be sure. If you want to be in filter groups (for discussion of personal and possibly TMI stuff) that is also negotiable. Most of my posts are filtered to one degree or another.

I'm looking forward to being lj friends with you!

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 15:45:57 GMT

Admit it, it's true.

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 20:34:15 GMT

So...

What does everyone think I should be for Halloween this year?

In case any of you don't know him...

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 20:14:38 GMT

This is basically Daniel's entire personality in LOLcat form:

AAAAAAH!

Thu, 07 Jun 2007 20:50:46 GMT

So, today:

I had a dentist appointment to figure out why my mouth still hurts, like, a lot (I swear I'm not just being wimpy here) seven weeks after routine oral surgery. Dentist says that his x-ray machine isn't leet enough to show what the problem is, so I have to make an appointment with a different doctor to figure it out. Me: "It will be pretty hard to schedule an appointment considering that my wedding's in two weeks." Him: "Wow, two weeks? That's [i]soon[/i]!" But I still have to do it, apparently, because it's "highly unusual" that it hasn't healed yet.

Then I went to my parents' house, where my mom and I filled out "vendor forms" and contracts for the caterer and the venue (a public garden), and then I called about 57 different churches (not really) looking for a minister. Now, for those of you who don't know me, I am not the holiest person in the world. Not that I'm some kind of hardcore Hell's Angels chick or whatever, but the truth is, talking to people of the cloth makes me really, really nervous. Like, I'm afraid that I'm going to say "And our address is 5555 Random Lane, apartment number..." and they'll be all "OMGWTF you're LIVING IN SIN???" and then I'll catch on fire or something. And of course, every church person I talked to said "Two weeks? That's [i]soon[/i]!"

No luck there. Next on the agenda was lunch, then going to fax the contracts (remember them?), which we decided to do in a somewhat removed suburban neighborhood on the theory that it was near the craft/party store, which sells bridal veils, which, surprise surprise, I also haven't got yet. And faxing some forms at Staples can only take a couple of minutes, right? UM WRONG. First of all, you can't fax double-side documents, which means that we had to copy the back sides. And then, of course, the only copier that wasn't being used by some crazy geneology person had a paper jam. Did I mention I had an appointment to get my hair colored at three o'clock, all the way downtown at the Gallery Place Aveda Institute (the one where you have to book way in advance)? Well, I did.

At about 2:40, as we drove toward the metro, it became obvious that I was going to be seriously late for my booked-way-in-advance appointment. So I tried to call the salon. Nice try -- I was on hold for at least 15 minutes listening to their "relaxing music." When I got there, I was very very flustered, and was informed that they couldn't do my hair because there wasn't enough time before closing, especially considering that I want to go lighter than it already is, meaning that they'd have to strip the color and then color over it. They gave me a coupon for another appointment, which was very nice of them, except that they couldn't schedule one until the 19th. Now, for all you nice people playing along at home, that's the Tuesday before the wedding. Meaning that if it looks like crap, I have absolutely zero hope of getting someone to fix it in time. Besides which, I was really hoping I could work that day, in order to avoid working the two days immediately before the wedding, when the hordes are descending and will want to see the apartment, my parents house, and the whole god-damn city, and will presumably expect me to be on hand to walk backwards and point out where Dick Cheney lives.

Don't get me wrong, I do want to get married. In the sense that I want to spend my life with Daniel. But right now I am feeling like I really do not want this wedding. I intentionally took time off before grad school so I could do the things that I wanted to do, and now I'm spending the time when I'm not at work mostly preparing for this wedding that is not exactly the most fascinating thing in the world to me. I mean, I am really pissed about this hair thing, no so much because I think I was gravely wronged by Aveda -- it's not really their fault that I was late, and it was nice of them to give me a coupon -- but because it means another week and a half of having hair that looks like ass (I mean it, if you haven't seen me in a while, take my word for it that I have about 4 inches of brown hair and the rest is this awful incredibly faded red, and I'm sure everyone who sees me thinks I'm incredibly tacky and not to be trusted), which I wouldn't still have now except that I didn't want to get it colored too soon because then it wouldn't look as good for the wedding, and my parents' families would probably give them shit for it. What I REALLY want, and what I will probably do after the honeymoon, is a really sharp angular bob with bangs, in strawberry blonde with chunky pink and yellow streaks. Actually, I'm going to wait and see if I got promoted to actual in-person marketing before going with the pink and yellow streaks, but that's not really likely. But the point is, right now I have to be a lady and have grown-up respectable looking hair and we have to have this braised salmon thing on the menu and I have to find white shoes that I'll never ever wear again and I feel slightly like I have been taken over by a Body Snatcher.

Anyone else been here?

Cute male tribal fusion dancer!

Sun, 03 Jun 2007 03:52:09 GMT

Start your week on a high note: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFXZ42kcCIo&mode=related&search=

Thu, 31 May 2007 05:28:15 GMT

Holy Shit.

I just found out that someone I knew in college died this week.

His name was Phil. He was a really nice guy and one of the most devoted Christians I've ever met. He lived across the hall from me freshman year, and even though we didn't have a lot in common he was friendly to me every time I saw him, right up to graduation.

I remember that he always wore the fedora that his mom gave to him as a high school graduation present, that he loved listening to movie soundtracks, and that the weekend his girlfriend broke up with him he wouldn't talk to anybody. He clearly felt a lot of love. He had friends of all different social, ethnic, and cultural groups, and every time I saw him he was with a friend, talking and smiling together, clearly listening intently to what they had to say.

He is also the second person I knew to die in a motorcycle accident (the first was someone from online). I guess that's just a random morbid fact, plus a hobby that I'm increasingly unlikely to ever take up.

Rest in peace, Phil. I can only imagine how many people are praying for you and your family. You always left me feeling more hope than I had before, and I hope that I will always remember that gift, as fleeting as it turned out to be.

Fri, 25 May 2007 15:06:35 GMT

Woohoo, my performance last night actually went well for a change!

I danced to "Frosti" by Bjork, "Mon Amie La Rose" by Natacha Atlas, and "The Lovecats" by the Cure, which was a cane dance. For the last one I decided to come down off the stage and flirt with the audience, by which I mostly mean trying to hook Scott from Midnight with my cane. Afterwards a guy I used to know in college, who was impressively drunk, told me "aw, you're getting married? That's too bad." :D

Apparently while I was getting ready, Daniel and Lishan went upstairs to the more-populated part of the club and told everyone "hey, there's a bellydancer coming on downstairs!", which resulted in me getting much more of a crowd than the bands that had performed before me.

Thu, 03 May 2007 15:51:46 GMT

Holy crap.

I may well be like, the last person on earth to have seen this, but just in case...

LOLtrek

Well, I know I already made a birthday post...

Wed, 02 May 2007 21:52:27 GMT

But then I found this on the cat macros community:

Wed, 02 May 2007 14:44:10 GMT

Wheeee, I'm....

twenty-two.

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 16:00:17 GMT

RE: http://www.cellar.org/showthread.php?t=14025

It amazes me how every time someone does something dangerous, people come out of the woodwork to go "wow, he must be an idiot! Doesn't he know that's dangerous?"

Sun, 29 Apr 2007 05:26:29 GMT

So my family decided that when I get sleepy I'm basically a walking cat macro.

We also decided that I shouldn't write out the wedding invitations tonight, because then the invitations would say "is it can be wedding tiem yet?" and the reply cards would say "im in ur weddins eatin ur caek. lulz."

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 15:31:55 GMT

I'm interested in going to this sometime. Anyone want to come?

Also, being on oxycodone at work is... interesting. Like, "I can't believe they're still letting me answer the phone" interesting.

(lovely new icon by emprint)

overheard

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 17:03:39 GMT

Today on the metro there was a crazy homeless lady playing the harmonica and ranting about Stevie Wonder for the whole trip. At one point I heard her say "I could dress up if I wanted to, I just dress this way to raise awareness."

Asking for help

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 19:48:01 GMT

Does anyone have a file of a short story I wrote called "Fencing"? Or a link to it posted somewhere?

I thought I'd posted it on LJ, but I didn't. I posted it on Tangency, though (in the days before the Creative Writing forum), but then I went and scrambled my password.

I wrote it in fall 2004.

WTF, mate?

Wed, 28 Mar 2007 19:15:38 GMT

Man Claims Ex-Wife's Sex Change Forfeits Alimony

Man what? "It isn't legal for a man to marry a man, so it shouldn't be legal for a man to pay alimony to a man," this guy says. The article stresses that the ex-husband is unlikely to win this crazy case, but quotes a few "experts" saying that this is an issue that will need to be addressed.

Um, why exactly would that be? Is the idea that now that the ex-wife is a dude, it will be easier for him to make money? Not terribly likely, considering that this is the same county in Florida that recently fired a City Manager shortly after she came out as trassexual.. Or is it some kind of magical thinking where different sexual characteristics suddenly make you into a completely different person?

Either way, that's weapons-grade stupid, people. I wish that when someone had the strength and courage to decide to live life in a way that reflects how they feel on the inside, people would offer them support and encouragement instead of these depressingly irrational reactions.

Wed, 28 Mar 2007 15:57:14 GMT

Sarah: It is a brave man who posts a wiki about himself.
Russell: Yes, indeed.

*three or four minutes pass*

Sarah: I was tempted to tell the internet that Russell is that black private dick who's a sex machine to all the chicks.
Russell: You're too kind. :)

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 15:35:04 GMT

I am at a point right now where I have no idea where to go with dancing. Part of me wants to hang everything up and just decide that this wasn't meant to be, and part of me wants to throw myself into it harder than ever.

I used to think there was nothing better than the feeling I'd get after a performance. I've been performing more in the past year than ever, but it's been a long, long time since I've had that ecstatic feeling, and I don't know what happened to it. Last summer I was very happy with my show in Chattanooga, and with my number in the Joy of Motion recital, but since then I've always been more bugged by the negative aspects than I have been thrilled by the positive. I don't feel like I make a real connection with audiences, and that's something I can't just drill or practice for -- I need practice actually performing, and the problem is that every time I screw up I feel like it cuts me off from future performance opportunities.

Meanwhile there is this whole social side to it that is completely frustrating to me. I really really like the local tribal people, like Mavi and Bella and Asharah. I want to be friends with them. I also want them to help me out by giving me a chance to perform or at least advising me about what I should be working on. I don't know how to do both -- how to ask for help without seeming like I'm just someone who wants something. I do want something, but I also just want to be friends with other dancers. I want to belong to the group. I really try to be social and supportive and upbeat and confident, and I just get this feeling that nobody really wants me around, and it hurts my pride to keep coming back.

The reason for this vent is that Saturday night I had a performance that was pretty much crap, and it was my first ever shot at dancing in front of the dancers I really want to impress. Some people in the audience liked it, but mostly they weren't dancers, just random people and my friends. And now I don't know when I'm going to get another shot, and it's taking me some time to start really wanting to dust myself off and try again.

I think I know a couple of steps from here: I need to write to some of the teachers I've worked with and ask for their advice, and I need to get some videos online in order to get feedback from people who haven't actually seen me perform. I really should make a list of goals organized into short-term and long-term, and then... work from there?

I really appreciate those of you who have been SO supportive and encouraging over the years. You all get big squishy hugs. Right now, I just need to think things through and figure out what's next.

Weirdest sponsored ad I've seen all week

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 22:04:44 GMT

"Looking for pictures of meth? Pictures of meth -- find them here."

Who's looking for [i]pictures[/i] of meth?

Also, if you know

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<lj-user=emprint>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

"Looking for pictures of meth? Pictures of meth -- find them here."

Who's looking for [i]pictures[/i] of meth?

Also, if you know <lj-user=emprint> (who is awesome), this would be a good time to tell him how awesome he is. Just don't post it on rpgnet, or you'll look like a suckup.

oh, also...

Wed, 14 Mar 2007 20:31:16 GMT

Starlight Shimmies on March 24th (that's next Saturday!) at the New Deal Cafe in Greenbelt. I am doing some crazy-ass punk rock fusion and it might be incredibly stupid or totally awesome. Please come cheer for me and make me look popular, plus see other dancers who actually know what they are doing!

If you can't make it, that's ok, I'm going to try and get some footage up on YouTube afterwards.

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 06:59:15 GMT

When I first got into tribal and tribal fusion, it clicked for me that this is where things are really happening in terms of people actually looking at this dance form the way I'm used to looking at art. People were being given respect for doing things that weren't artistically "safe," for taking risks and opening new doors. Sure, there are a lot of trendy hangers-on who are obviously just trying to dance exactly like Rachel or Sharon or Kami. We all started out by wanting to dance exactly like *someone,* right? But there are so many dancers out there doing stuff that takes guts, like Tempest bringing in her Goth theatrics, Sashi blending sacred ritual with the uncomfortable intimacy of performance art, and Frederique working the fin-du-ciecle French cabaret vibe with surreal ease. It's great that people are out there doing things that people want to talk about, even if the controversy goes a bit over my head sometimes -- remind me again why people were so upset by Samantha Riggs' "Pirate Bellydance" workshop? And it rocks that events like Tribal Fest are willing to welcome controversy head-on.

Right now I'm working on a set for what is so far the most nervewracking performance experience of my life. It's just a little local showcase, but I'm trying to put more of myself into it than I ever have in a performance. I'm doing a tribal-inflected punk rock fusion, using punk-influenced music and movements that reflect some of that energy. Is it belly dance? It is to me, for the simple reason that I'm a belly dancer, so if it's any other kind of dance it isn't one that I've ever studied. If someone else says it isn't, though, I'm ok with that. I just want it to be me, standing on a stage, dripping with coins and tassels and chains and completely stripped of fantasy and pretense. We'll see if I can accomplish that; if not, I will dust myself off and return to class the next week ready to get closer to my goals. It's amazing enough to know that there are people out there who are already doing that. If you are dancing from yourself and not from a fantasy, if you are pushing away from cliches and toward genuine physical communication, you are one of my personal heroes. I wish you courage and success and bras that actually fit. Aiwah!

Oh crap, you guys, I just posted the past 3 posts in reverse order. I am way too tired and nervous to be posting stuff! If you are interested in reading my long personal reflection on today's bellydance world, please just start from the earliest post and read forward... I think it will make more sense that way.

SO embarassed now but not sure how to change it!

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 06:49:39 GMT

So what do I end up doing when someone calls me to come out to their birthday party or school fundraiser? I hate to use one of the most unclear phrases in our dance vocabulary, but it's really American Cabaret. They want a little veil, a little floorwork, and sometimes some sword balancing. They want a pop number or two and none of those gorgeous ten-minute accordion solos, and certainly no Oum Khalthoum. And every once in a while they get bored and no matter how many times I told myself I was going to dance like Soheir Zaki, or at least a reasonable facsimile, I find myself throwing out a few BDSS-style chest pops and hip locks because it's the only way to keep people awake. And that's not even bringing up the context, which more often than not is "hey, look, it's a bellydancer, how wacky and embarassing!"

I'm not saying that it bothers me to dance AmCab because it's inauthentic. It bothers me because it's *compulsory.* Dina is not over there in Egypt thinking "what do people expect me to do?" she is thinking, "hot damn, that miniskirt and black leather thong would look fabulous on my sexy ass! What can I do to completely blow people's minds this week?" :D Samia Gamal wasn't thinking "will people recognize that I'm the bellydancer?" She was thinking "this haircut looked foxy on Rita Hayworth, and I'm going to be the first chick in Cairo wearing it!" And "That's a chainee turn, bitches. Watch closely, because you're all going to want to learn it after this."

Shira is of course an awesome person and she provides awesome resources for dancers, but I had a bit of a negative epiphany reading her site last week. She was talking about the ins and outs of dancing at parties, how you shouldn't drink or smoke while wearing your costume, how you should take special care to acknowledge the guest of honor, etc... and then she gets to the part about how when you're chatting with guests before or after you dance, you shouldn't reveal your real name or your day job, because people don't want Dana the claims adjustor, they want Serpentina, fabulous belly dancer. That really un-clicked for me, and shook a couple of other things loose in the process. See, I use a stage name because it's convenient for me, and I'm willing to own that. But the last thing I want is for my dancing to be this detached, floating thing that can't be pinned down to the real, mundane me for fear of ruining the illusion. I don't want it to be a fantasy, because when I am dancing I want to express the kind of emotion that comes from experience. I don't want to be a fictional character, especially the cliched, vaguely offensive harem stereotype that I feel like this kind of gig leads to.

Every once in a while it's fun to be "ooh, the bellydancer's here!", especially when there are little kids who get all starry-eyed. And a lot of the time it's fun to immerse myself in the personality of another culture and interpret the genius of greats who came before me. But after five or six years now (who's counting?) I am in this way too deep to settle for being just a reenactor or just a kitschy entertainment. I want to find a place for myself as an artist, and that means that what I do has to include, well, me.

this post brought to you by stage fright and 2:00 AM

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 06:20:33 GMT

I *love* Egyptian cabaret soooo much. I could honestly watch grainy Fifi Abdo videos for hours, and when I'm just in my living room I find myself moved to dance Egyptian more than almost anything else... but when it comes to performing it's almost like being in a museum. I'm standing there in awe of all these amazing women who used humor and beauty and pleasure to give themselves power and class, who recognized that people would say demeaning things about them and made the conscious decision to laugh all the way to the bank. I'm listening to this intricate, exquisite music that I've been listening to nonstop for almost ten years now and still surprises me... and I'm afraid to touch it.

Real Egyptian raqs sharqi and raqs beledi are rich, pure, deeply individual works of art, but there is no way for me to contribute to them organically because they are all about being a person who isn't me, a person who did not grow up in a culture where people think it's a little bit odd that I don't have any piercings or tattoos, a person whose dad has probably never driven her to dance class in a station wagon. I love to study Egyptian dance but I know I will be a student of it my whole life, learning more about the person inside me who might, in some other lifetime, have skipped through the market flirting with cute boys from behind my "modesty wrap," or picked up a male relative's cane and gently mocked his martial arts practice with a playful dance. She might have been told by her father that she couldn't marry the man she loved, and feel that pain again every time she heard the melody to "Lissa Fakir." I can see her in my head, and when I read a book or see a movie (Naguib Mahfouz's novels are good for this) where a character like her appears, I study the character with as much sensitivity as I can muster to better inhabit her when I dance. Once I caught Laurel Victoria Grey, my teacher (and noted dance ethnologist) referring to a specific choreography as "she," and I asked her, "so the dance is a person?" "Yes," she said, and that has stuck with me, in a way. I can learn a lot from that person, but I can't teach her anything about herself.

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 22:45:20 GMT

OMG, I had a great idea for my company and was too shy to tell anyone about it, and then my supervisor has just had the exact same idea.

THis is like exactly what I needed today. :(